S Factor

I had heard of S Factor for years. Super intimidated, I never thought I'd actually take a class but secretly wished I had the courage. About four months ago, that day came. I was at the Thompson Hotel in Beverly Hills with my friend Val celebrating our mutual friends' US citizenship. A typical LA scene, the room was filled with gorgeous women. I was mesmerized by their beauty but more with their seeming ease and grace in their bodies. Val and I were chatting when suddenly our conversation turned very real. Despite our gushing compliments about each others outfits, we each disclosed how they were not what they seemed. I was wearing a dress over jeans because I wouldn't dare shows my legs, and she was wearing a long top over jeans that wouldn't button so she had a maternity belt to pull things together! We laughed so hard we nearly fell out of our chairs. But in all seriousness, we were ridiculous. Both of us a size two, recognized we had issues and vowed to resolution.

We started talking about S Factor. Each of us had heard the same things: pole dancing, stripping and lap dancing while wearing practically nothing and six inch stripper heels. You kidding me? I was absolutely terrified but knew this was my answer, because we had also heard how empowering and liberating it was for women. Val and I agreed to try an introductory class. Meanwhile, another one of my close girlfriends Staci had also been invited to try S that very same week by a friend of hers named Janelle who happens to be an S instructor. Kismet. Against world class excuses, the three of us showed up for our intro. Practically wearing burka's, we were dressed head to toe in long sleeved black tee shirts and yoga pants, though I think Staci even added a hoodie.

So there we were, in our very first S class, completely out of control. Not in a good way. We (I can say "we" because we have discussed this in detail), were so in our heads that I'm shocked we didn't walk out. The first time Janelle told us to touch ourselves (I'm talking about an innocent caress on our thighs), I thought I was going to faint. My mind was plagued by thoughts that it was wrong and bad. Sadly, it felt foreign to behave in any manner not consistent with a goofball on a dance floor. That was me my entire life. Okay, I know I've had sexy moments but it's never been my thing to sexualize anything. I blamed it on my mother. I convinced myself that I only looked good when I covered my body because that's what she did.

After the intro, the three of us sat dazed on the floor unable to move. We found it impossible to believe that we would ever be able to move our bodies sensually, much less take ourselves seriously while doing it. We deflected with humor, made fun of ourselves and tried everything to talk ourselves out of signing up for an eight week class. Val and I were scared but open to at least trying, and really wanted to Staci to join us. That's when she broke down and started sobbing, which made us cry because we related to everything she was saying. As she was sharing painful memories of when she made an unconscious decision not to be sexy and sensual, we just nodded through our tears because we understood. It was easier to be the funny girl, or play the intellect, or even the prude than to embrace our sexuality. It was time to break free.

It's been four months now and we are just about to graduate Level 2. We are blown away by how far we've come. The sense of empowerment was what compelled me to enroll but the impact was underrated. The room is safe. Low red lights, no mirrors and an incredible effusive teacher who inspires us beyond words. We have fun. For the first time in my life I feel tuned into my body and the magic of being a woman. I appreciate my curves, feel comfortable, in fact amazing in my own skin, and love that I'm able to lose myself in a sultry song. I dance in tiny hot pants and bare feet, Val rocks the pole in thigh high fishnets and Staci slays us with her scantily clad moves. If anyone would've ever said that we'd be doing the things we do in class, we would've thought they were high. We love this class. S Factor is for every woman, every where. Even my 62 year old Mother. Just the other night she was at my house and after showing her the S Crawl, she said she wanted to try it. My Mom! There are no words to express my gratitude for the full circle effect.

Sober Sorting

What if every first few dates with someone new was sans alcohol? I wonder how many people would even get a second date. Talk about rose colored lenses. My favorite first dates have been sober. If I'm comfortable, attracted and interested with no alcohol, it's usually on. Last year I dated a man who doesn't drink. At first I was devastated to hear he didn't but looking back, it's my favorite getting to know one another time. Always up for adventure, I decided I wouldn't drink while with him. Being with him totally sober required a different way of being in the awkwardness of those first few months. From our first kiss to our first everything, we were fully present and aware, and I loved it. Sometimes it was uncomfortable not to ease certain moments with a glass of wine, but overall totally liberating. I never had those worries of, "oh my god, I said what?" Dating is awkward. But dating isn't the problem. Sorting is. People meet new people all the time. How we sort is the answer. And while there are many ways to sort (trust being number one), sober sorting is the best method I know for clear direction and answers. Of course, not all my first dates are sans booze, but if a date seems to have potential, I make a point to plan a sober outing right away. A hike, a walk on the beach, strip scrabble (just kidding!), anything that's fun and active in the light of day. Sober sorting is the new black. Sex-ay!

Wedding News

My Dad got married today. He's been dating Anne, a smart, vivacious and lovely woman for about 18 months. Recently she moved from Canada to live with him in Santa Barbara. This past Wednesday he called me to say he had "big news." They were getting married. They wanted a private ceremony and asked if I was available on Saturday?

My initial reaction was joy. I couldn't be happier for them because I truly believe they're a perfect match. But after saying I'd clear my schedule, I hung up the phone and sat in my car stunned. I didn't know what I was feeling but I couldn't move. A few minutes later, my sister Keisha texted asking if Dad had called me? I called her back and next thing I knew I was crying. Then I started sobbing. I explained to Keisha that I felt bad for crying because the sadness had nothing to do with them. The tears were because of my own longing for true love. I was ashamed at my selfishness. How did their wedding have anything to with me? Because the two of them finding one another against international odds brought up a deeply rooted cry of, "Where was mine?"

My sister let me cry until I couldn't anymore. We talked about what I was feeling and then I thanked her and said I had to go because I was meeting a friend for lunch and had to "get myself together." Which is the worst, by the way. Pretending to be happy when you're hurting is the epitome of all I'm against but I didn't want to cancel last minute. So I drove into Beverly Hills and met my friend for a lovely and fake lunch. As I was driving home, I started crying again. God, where was all this coming from? I'm happy being single. I don’t feel lonely. So why such despair? Once home and laying on my couch I realized it wasn't because I wanted a boyfriend. That was too small for a pain so big. So I continued digging and thought it was because my Dad getting married meant that I'd never be as close with him as I longed for now that he had Anne. Ooh, that seemed to hit the spot because I've spent a lifetime wanting more connection with him. But after sitting with those feelings for a long time it still didn't feel right so I decided to go deeper. What was I wanting? What was my soul literally crying out for? I felt like a desperate mother saying to her crying baby that can't speak yet, "What? What baby, what is it?" Then I got another hit. I wanted a deeper connection with myself. Well, that was just too exhausting so I fell asleep.

Meanwhile I had dinner plans with two new friends. I barely knew one and the other was her best friend and this was our first dinner so I wanted to feel "up" - not ideal timing. I don't know why but something said not to cancel. When I woke from my nap I was in a daze. The drama had subsided but I had a low level lingering. I didn’t get up. I just started breathing. One long breath at a time and then I got very still. I was present. In this presence, I was able to get the final piece of what the "wedding news" was trying to give. My longing is for connection not only with myself but with ALL - humanity, the world, the Universe and God*. And, it was already within me. That was the message. Nothing new and certainly not surprising, but for some reason and on this day, I got it. My heart had cracked open just a little bit bigger. I laid there for a long while with gratitude on my face. Then I got up showered and drove across town to meet my two new friends for what turned out to be one of the most magically fulfilling evenings in a long time. I never mentioned my day to them. I didn't need to. It was already complete and I was in a new now moment.

Why this day was so important to me is clear. If I had bypassed the original thought of "Where was mine?", I'd still be thinking I needed a relationship to be happy. But, because I was willing and unrelenting in my inquiry, I got to the root. So many times we check out and skip over what could be a beautiful message, if only we were present to receiving. And worse, we carry the blind spots within us and the effect shows up all over lives. We then become passive agressive or make poor choices in our attempt for pseudo connection. It takes courage to go that deep. And it takes enormous commitment to stay present with all that comes up. But my God, so worth it. If the very core of who I am is longing to be one with all, and I REMEMBER that I am, who will I be in the world? That "knowing" will drive my every action. That is, until I forget again.

Anyway, today was my Dad and Anne's wedding and it was perfect. They had a casual ceremony filled with lots of love on the roof of the Santa Barbara courthouse, where My Grandfather was a judge. As we were walking up, my Dad spoke fondly of his late Father and for a moment I thought I could feel my his presence. I smiled ...

Much love until more, xo


Original Post Date July 26, 2008. Re-posted per request.

Dating Sabbatical. Again.

I'm taking a break from dating. The next person I decide to go out with will be because I truly want to. This isn't my first sabbatical. Earlier this year I took four months off and it was a really good decision. I had just broken up with someone I had been seeing for about a year and needed time to sort through my feelings, process all I'd learned, and most importantly, figure out what I wanted going forward. That was an incredible time for me both professionally and personally. I learned much more about myself like: I'm not so good at dating. I'm really great on a first or second date and I've been told I'm a very good girlfriend, but the third or fourth date-to-relationship status gets me every time. I'm not alone in this. In general, women don't date. Almost every girl I know gets a little nuts when she likes a guy but is forced to play it cool until or if it grows into something more. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't seem natural to me even though I know it's one of the rules. I'm not saying I'm an easy sell. That's my point. I meet a million people, so on that rare occasion when I meet someone I like (and I'm fairly certain it's mutual because he's actually said so), I dream of us SOARING into the unknown together.

Back to real life in Los Angeles.

Anyway, four months went fast but it was an incredibly productive time for me. In the interim, I ended up with a backlog of prospects. No joke. Seems many of my friends wanted to set me up with someone "amazing." So, by May I was dating again and going out on average four nights a week. I was exhausted. It's a funny thing what happens to a single woman in her thirties. You think you should go out and meet as many people as possible (even though you don't really want to) because "time" is flying by. Where's it flying to? We only have this now moment so what will I miss if I don't date? Absolutely nothing. For now, I'm choosing to fly solo again and it feels good. If that makes me a unicorn, I'm totally cool with that.

Too Personal

I posted something really personal a few days ago that generated a lot of attention. The range of opinions were wide. I decided to take it down because it was ultimately too personal. Writing doesn't come naturally for me. It takes me forever to write anything but I do it because it's deeply cathartic. I'm happy to express my transparency but there has to be a boundary. How does one draw the line? Maybe I did.

Freak of Nature

I just returned home from a bachelorette weekend in Santa Barbara with a dozen married and under 30 Jewish women. I'm single and over thirty. Need I say more? Honestly, it felt like they were just staring at me like I was a unicorn or something. And maybe they weren't. It's quite possible I was projecting, as I was the only single girlfriend there (well, there was Rachel, but she's in college so that doesn't count). Anyway, it's truly wild what spending time with them felt like for me. Driving up I was so excited for this weekend. Two days in Santa Barbara in a lovely hotel on the beach with really fun events planned. But, after two days of an entire conversation devoted to THEIR marriages, I felt depleted. And sad. Now, the exhaustion was real. We went on a spectacular wine tour, played every penis party game known to any efficient maid of honor, danced until dawn and drank too much champagne. But the sadness threw me. I never expected to feel so out of place. I was isolated and alone in a group of many. Doubts kept coming to mind. Why am I single? Is there something wrong with me? I thought these questions were 20th century (when I was in my twenties and didn't know better). I mean, wasn't I more evolved than this? I thought I was mature: a genuine "adult." I enjoy being single and in fact, feel so comfortable sleeping alone and RSVP-ing for one that I've wondered if I will ever get married. Getting married is not a destination for me. It never has been. I believe in love. Raw, unabashed, totally inconvenient don't want to live without him kind of love. And maybe that's what these girls have. All twelve of them. If so, I celebrate that. But, to feel sad or that I'm somehow missing out on life because I haven't found mine yet is just plain wrong. I may not meet my man for years to come but being single doesn't make me a freak of nature. Holding on to true love, the kind that ancient sonnets are inspired by, through living in and being fully present to the magic of this beautiful world, and where this love ultimately dwells within me, does.

Holiday Magic

It's a few days before Christmas - how did we get here so fast? While the year has flown by, I'm taking the time to really enjoy this holiday season. 2008 has been an important year. In a way, it's felt like a "wake up call." Electing Obama is clearly a message of change but it's more than that. Yes, times are tough but for some, that's nothing new - it's always tough. And for others, it's been an opportunity for accountability. But for most, it seems we were forced to wake up and realize life is now. There is nothing else.

I've loved 2008. I celebrated my friends in amazing ways this year. Finding true love, several engagements, weddings and babies, a non profit launch, political passion, athletic and artistic endeavors, and countless dreams coming true. It's also been a long year of tremendous loss, growth, challenge and change. But the best part of the year is now, when things are winding down and I'm reflecting on how good life really is. Sounds so trite but it's so true.

I'm grateful for my friends and family beyond words. More than ever, it seems we're savoring all we share. This holiday season was sprinkled with magical decadence. Freedom, fun and laughter. My friends and family make my life what it is. Without them, there is no magic. Thank you! There is one thing I know for sure, I am blessed.